December 17, 2019

The Lightness of Should-Less:

The sun wasn’t yet up as I left my hotel in Poughkeepsie with a very tall cup of coffee in hand. I was looking forward to the drive home. The GPS clocked my ETA at 9:02 a.m. 

I knew exactly where I’d make a pit stop (essential information for a rural drive) and was excited to see quaint New York towns, sleepy in the morning light but all dressed-up in their holiday finery.
 
I had finished a client engagement the night before, and had a really busy day, week and December month ahead. But everything was beautifully scheduled. I.Had.This.Handled.
 
I turned out of the parking lot and onto a road covered in snow and shrouded by heavy fog. Just 20 minutes into the drive I saw three new traffic circles.

Wow, they built these fast since I was here last summer, I thought. Or maybe I just didn’t notice them . . .
 
Suddenly I was driving up a very steep and sharply curving road.
 
Wait. I don’t recognize this.

A slice of morning light illuminated a mountain range straight ahead. I felt like I was in Appalachia, but weren’t those the Catskill Mountains? I drove further, hoping to find a place where I could stop and check my phone’s map.  
 
Where am I? Where the heck is my relaxing drive home? More importantly, where is my pit stop? My GPS gave me no clues and I was surprisingly agitated and annoyed. This is not what I planned!
 
Have you noticed that when something throws you off your schedule, you tense-up and overreact—even catastrophize—the simplest things?
 
This is a moment that begs for flexibility, an essential EQ skill:

Your willingness and tendency to adjust your emotions, thoughts and behaviors to changing situations and conditions, to adapt—to take in new data and change your mind or approach. Source: EQ-i Workbook, Rutledge

You know the old statement: Relax, be present and roll with the punches? My Personality Type tends to have flexibility in spades, sometimes even over-engaged where I’m prone to more starts than finishes. But in this instance, it was stubbornly not coming to my rescue.   
 
I should have been on the right road.
 
Aha! I had a bad case of the Shoulds. They will get me every time! As I drove along with my teeth clenched, I remembered about what the actress Ellen Burstyn said about the need for should-less days:

“I have wiring in my brain that calls me lazy, if I’m not doing something. I haven’t been able to get rid of it. But what I can do is I can put in another wiring, I can put in should-less days, so when that voice goes off and says you’re being lazy, I turn to the other wiring in my brain that says, no, this is a should-less day, and I’m doing what I want.”

Maybe, I thought, I could have a should-less drive home. (“Change the emotion and the behavior will follow.”)

The road kept winding up and down—25 to 35 mph—mostly in the fog. There wasn’t anything to look at and I felt like I was driving in an endless ball of cotton. GPS now said I’d arrive at 9:25 am. Groan.

A should-less drive, Deene, I kept saying to myself. It’s not as you planned, or hoped, but what would happen if you let go of your expectations?

I drove by a beautiful old red barn and saw a sign for an organic farm. I came to a teenie town and passed a barn by the river wreathed by sparkling holiday lights. There was a furniture maker inside.

Every so often a shaft of sunshine broke through the fog and lit up a snowy field. I was pleasantly distracted. I breathed in, I breathed out; I savored the beauty of the unexpected.

Then I saw a sign for a one-lane covered bridge up ahead. The whole bridge was as wide as my Subaru Forester, and it was hard to see if someone was coming from the opposite direction.

Really? I’m supposed to just get-on-my-mark and ready-set-go across the bridge and hope I don’t ram into an oncoming pickup truck?

Where the hell am I?

I crossed the bridge unscathed and spotted a cascading waterfall to the left, perhaps the remains of a mill. I smiled. Twenty miles later I came to a stop sign and recognized the town. I was nowhere near where I wanted to be—I had drifted way off course—but it sure was beautiful.

I had another hour of driving before I’d arrive home, but by then my mood had shifted. I would be behind schedule for the entire day, but I was also confident I’d work it out.

I didn’t have an entire should-less day. But I did achieve a should-less hour.

And, with intention, I was able to shift my anxious, disappointed feelings to one of contentment and relaxation.

Change your emotions and the behavior will follow. But first you have to be present long enough to see the light, and observe how it illuminates what you’re feeling.

Emotional Intelligence, Flexibility, Happiness, Problem Solving , ,
Deene Morris
About Deene Morris
Engaging Emotional Intelligence | Team Think Generator | Psychological Safety & Inclusion | Moving Positive Change Forward
2 Comments
  1. Avatar

    Deene – what an exceptional portrayal of the path to living the life of your dreams. “Shouldless” and I love that.
    —Kim

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